On a Midsummer's Night
by Mikauzoran
Summary: Stuck permanently as Conan with Ran moving on, Shinichi gradually starts to lose hope. As he contemplates ending it all, Kid is there to catch him as he falls and provide some comfort and support over ice cream and a fireworks display.


Mikau: Hello all! Thanks so much for checking this out! This is actually done for Poirot Café's first Drawing Competition: Summer Memories (Part Two: The Writing Portion). Some of our artists drew pictures, and in the second part, our writing members are writing stories inspired by those pictures. This is my entry based on Ichthyophobia's pic. You can find them on Poirot Café in the Fanart section. The picture I based this off of wasn't depressing in the least, so…I really have no explanation as to why things turned out as they did. ^.^; But I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would be a lot more angst in the series. Seriously. Everyone is so resilient! It's unrealistic.

…

On a Midsummer's Night

Shinichi didn't cry in the beginning when leads were few, the weeks stretched on, and it looked like he might never get his body back. He hadn't shed a tear when the Organization eluded him and he'd failed to save lives. He didn't even give in to sadness when he heard Ran sobbing into her pillow at night. He felt _guilty_ , oooh so guilty, but he didn't cry.

And yet…Shinichi was crying _now_.

…

It had been a gradual breakdown starting with: "Ran-neechan? Who was that guy I saw you walking home with?"

She beamed down at him in that big sisterly way. "Shirotani-san from the karate club at my university. I've mentioned him before."

A LOT. Shinichi had noticed.

She leaned down to whisper conspiratorially. (Even at ten, Conan only came up to her waist.) "Don't tell Dad because I know he'll freak out, but…Shirotani-san is my boyfriend. He asked me out two weeks ago."

It felt like he'd been shot. And Shinichi was only all too familiar with getting shot.

"B-But…Shinichi-niichan…?" He could barely get the words out.

She straightened up and frowned, looked guilty momentarily, and then smiled maternally. "Conan-kun, I'll always treasure Shinichi as a dear friend and my first love, but…he's been gone for four years now, and I just can't keep my life on hold for him anymore."

…

"The antidote!" Shinichi demanded as he threw the door to Haibara's lab open. "I need the antidote. _Now_ , Haibara!"

She looked at him, traces of emotion poking through her normally impassive mask. There was pity for him and loathing for herself, her past sins.

They both knew that she'd never be able to undo the effects of the drug completely. They were well aware that even the trial antidotes had all but stopped functioning. He could be Shinichi for five minutes tops…if the prototype even had any effect at all.

…

Shinichi called Ran in an attempt to revive her hope by once again reassuring her that he _was_ coming home. The case was just harder than he'd initially thought. But he _was_ coming back to her.

He'd scarcely gotten the words, "Hey, Ran—" out of his mouth before she was already breaking the news to him, breaking things off. She'd decided. She was moving on.

…

It was a slow unraveling in the following months. It'd started with a throbbing pain in his chest, and it'd spread like cancer, gradually eroding his insides.

It was despair, futility. A daily struggle to get out of bed, keep going. His constant companions were dread of waking in the morning and a constant stream of "What's the point?" inside of his head.

He fought it for a while. Three months of vain flailing, trying to keep his head above water…all the while, seeing Shirotani and Ran together, happy and in love, made him want to put a bullet through his temple.

…

And that led to the present—an oppressive July night, so stifling that the heat was visible, distorting the very air. Cicadas screamed, AC units hummed, and the wind was oddly tame as Shinichi—Conan…or whomever—stood atop the hotel roof, toing the ledge.

Tears streamed quietly down his cheeks as he mused, _"I'm just so tired…and this is as good of a place to die as any."_

From this high up, the impact was sure to spell his end. They'd have to identify him by his dental records…and that would raise some very interesting questions, but Shinichi couldn't bring himself to care. He knew he should be thinking of what this would do to Ran, his parents, his friends…but what about Shinichi? What about _his_ suffering, _his_ needs? When faced with the prospect of dragging himself through another day as Conan while Ran left him behind…he was easily able to convince himself that they'd get over it eventually and be just fine without him.

Shinichi couldn't do this anymore…and so he tentatively stretched one leg out over the abyss, let it hover for a minute as he took in the cars and the people down below, and, with a sigh of relief, took the final step, letting it all go.

He felt free as he fell, knowing it would all be over soon…but there was regret as well. He knew it was wrong to run away from his problems, to hurt the people he loved with his death.

A thought flickered through his mind as he closed his eyes, _"I want to live…but I don't want to suffer anymore."_

His conflict didn't last long. The fall was much shorter than he'd imagined, and he felt the impact—a whole lot less painful than he'd anticipated…and accompanied by a remonstrance.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" a half-familiar voice hissed. An angel? Were angels real?

"And it better be that you were testing out some new parachute or something that zany professor invented for you."

Shinichi opened his eyes slowly and observed in dazed amazement: his own face staring back at him in incredulous fury.

Shinichi blinked.

Or rather…it was the Kaitou Kid in reconnaissance black. Because who else in Tokyo flew around on a hang glider?

The brilliant detective's mind stuttered before it could process. "What are you doing here?"

Kid looked every bit incensed. "Staking out some thieves staking out a target in hopes of foiling their plans. What the hell were you doing up here? This is _my_ domain, and last time I checked, you don't have wings, Tantei-kun."

Shinichi looked away, making some pretense of taking in the city below them. "…You wouldn't understand. Just set me down somewhere."

"So you can jump again?" Kid spit. "I don't think so."

"This doesn't concern you," Shinichi whispered back without heat. He didn't have the energy…for anything.

"Oh yeah? Because after seeing my favorite critic almost die, I'm pretty concerned, Kudo," Kid bit back through clenched teeth.

"Well, don't be," Shinichi growled softly, growing irritated. "Just leave me alone, okay? It's my life. I can do with it what I please."

Kaito literally bit his tongue and forced himself to take deep breaths as they landed on a nearby corporate building's roof. He set his rival down and did a quick-change into his normal Kid attire so that the top hat and monocle would conceal his face.

He didn't want Conan to see the raw emotion, the pain written clearly in his features as he seethed, "How can _you_ of all people try to take your own life? You, who's always sticking your neck out there to save others? You, who think even a murder's life is sacred? How can you carelessly toss your own life away when you come face to face every day with people who would have given anything to live?" Tears slowly trickled down Kaito's cheeks as he thought of his father.

"Each breath is a gift, and you know that better than most, so how could you…? You see the pain of those left behind—the grieving widows, the orphaned children…. How could you do that to your own family and friends, Kudo?" Kaito whispered, voice betraying the hurt he felt.

"I don't have to justify myself to you," Shinichi grumbled, refusing to give in to the welling guilt. "I owe you nothing, and you wouldn't understand anyway."

"Well at this point, you owe me your life. How many times have I caught you when you were falling out of some airplane or blimp or another?" Kaito returned sardonically. "And don't be so egotistical as to think that you're the only one that's ever suffered, sacrificed, or lost something precious. Chances are I can understand better than you think," Kaito continued darkly. "So what is this about? Is it really all that bad, Meitantei?"

Shinichi looked down at his feet, beginning to feel the sting of self-loathing. He knew deep down that he was being selfish, but…it hurt. Waking up each day hurt, and he wasn't strong enough to keep it up for Conan's entire lifetime.

He closed his eyes and admitted in a hollow, exhausted voice, "Ran…is moving on. She's got a new boyfriend, and…I'm stuck like this…probably for good…. Kid, I can't live like this anymore. I've lost _everything_."

"No you haven't," Kaito countered gently. "Not everything. Important things, yes, but not everything. I mean, haven't you gained anything as Conan? Friends? A family in the Mouris? I don't know…a devilishly handsome rival to pit your wits against?"

Shinichi couldn't help but snort at that last one.

"Kudo, you've got a second chance here. You get to start over as Conan and make a new life for yourself. You get to do things over _right_ this time," Kaito encouraged.

"But I want my life as Shinichi back," the shrunken sleuth whispered, chest aching.

"And I want my father to still be alive," Kaito sighed. "I want the guys that murdered him and screwed up my life to be locked up for the rest of their miserable existences. I don't want to have to do this whole masked vigilante crap anymore. I want my mom to come home and try to be some semblance of a family again. I want…" His voice caught, and a bittersweet smile came to his face. "…to marry this one girl that would never speak to me again if she knew I was Kid."

A brief silence fell between the two, giving Shinichi time to think that maybe he didn't have it quite as bad as he'd believed.

Kaito chuckled wryly. "But there's no point in dwelling on things that can't be changed. You've got to play the hand you're dealt and make the most of it."

In the distance, a firework went off, lighting up the sky in a spectacular shower of dazzling scarlet, molten gold, and electric blue. Probably a summer festival at a local shrine.

Kaito took a seat, letting his legs dangle over the edge of the building as he settled in to watch the show.

"…Do you think you can do that?" the magician asked offhandedly a minute or two later.

Shinichi gave a start. He'd gotten caught up in the fireworks display himself. "Huh? Do what?"

"Make the most of the hand you've been dealt," Kaito picked up the previous conversation. "Do you think you can move on and make a life for yourself as Edogawa Conan?"

"No," Shinichi replied automatically, but then a few seconds later, "I'm…not sure."

"Can you think about it for a month or two? Give it some serious thought?" Kaito's gaze remained locked on the sky, but he kept track of Conan out of the corner of one eye as the smaller boy came up to sit beside Kaito.

"I can't go on like this, Kid," Shinichi sighed.

"You don't have to." Kaito shrugged coolly. "Things are different. You're not suffering in silence all alone anymore."

"Why?" Shinichi raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Because now I have you to lean on?"

"Not just me." Kaito pulled a playing card out of…probably his sleeve…and balanced it on his fingertip. "I'm going to give you three phone numbers, and I want you to call them when you need someone to talk things out with. These people will be there for you, listen and help you make the best decision about calling it quits or sticking it out as Conan."

Kaito spun the card, and, as it whirled, a phone number appeared just above the Queen of Hearts' head. "The first number is my therapist's."

Rather than be impressed with the trick, Shinichi's eyes widened at the words. " _You_ see a shrink?"

Kaito stuck out his lip in a pout. "Dude. You've met me. Of course I have a therapist. And she's _awesome_." Kaito forced the playing card into Conan's pocket. "Katsuragi-sensei is super discrete, and she's already had her perceptions of 'reality' stretched to the limit treating me, so she probably won't flinch when she finds out about your real age. She's a good listener, but she also offers practical solutions and helps you brainstorm and weigh your options. You'll like her…and if you don't, she'll refer you to someone else that you _will_ like."

"I…don't know." Shinichi began to squirm. The idea of seeing a professional…he'd probably end up institutionalized or something. Would she really believe him? Was telling her even a good idea in the first place?

"Think about it. It doesn't hurt you to think about it, right?" Kaito urged. "And while you're thinking—" Kid pulled the Jack of Diamonds out of Conan's shoe…after unceremoniously yanking said shoe off. "—here's the second phone number." He placed it in Conan's pocket with the first.

"And who's the second person I'm supposed to contact? Your yoga instructor?" Shinichi snorted sarcastically.

"Hardly." Kaito rolled his eyes. "Hakuba Saguru. You two will be great friends, and you'll find him easy to talk to—one Sherlockian to another, you know."

"Hakuba Saguru?" Shinichi wasn't too sure about that one either. Letting the other detective in would only get him killed.

"Hakuba knows already." It was as if Kid could read his mind…scary thought.

"Hakuba's helping me deal with my own suicide mission, so you don't need to worry about your black-clad baddies," Kaito assured. "You can talk to him, and he'll take you seriously…offer some practical advice."

"Is he an expert on depression and suicidal urges?" Shinichi doubted the privileged Brit who had never wanted for anything could understand what he was going through.

"Unfortunately, yes," Kid replied gravely. "He's lived it."

Shinichi stared wordlessly at his companion.

"Hakuba's attempted suicide a couple times in the past," the thief informed. "He should be able to commiserate with you about feeling like life has no meaning, like there's no point in going on, like things will never get better. He'll also be able to tell you about finding hope, a reason to get up in the morning even though things suck."

Shinichi nodded, swallowing hard. His throat felt all sticky. He didn't know what to say…wouldn't be able to get it out anyway.

"…The…third number?" he finally managed.

Kaito made a joker and a pen appear with a snap, and he wrote the number along the bottom edge. "This one is mine. Call whenever. I don't really sleep besides in class, so chances are that I'll either pick up or return your call shortly."

Kaito tucked the card with his number into the pocket with the other two. "I can't promise to be much help, but I'll definitely listen, and I'll try to cheer you up."

Suddenly he produced an ice cream cone out of nowhere…and then a second one for himself. "Like so." He beamed with great pride. "Yours is coffee flavored. Eat up."

Shinichi stared incredulously at the cone now being pressed into his hand. "Where the hell did you get this?"

Kaito shrugged and gave his own (double chocolate fudge) a good lick. "Interdimensional pockets."

" _Seriously_ ," Shinichi insisted. "Where were you keeping the ice cream while we were flying and talking and… It's not even the slightest bit melted!"

"Interdimensional pockets," Kaito maintained. "Seriously. Ask for anything beginning with the letter C. Except for corpses. You produce enough of those as is."

Shinichi rolled his eyes as he concentrated on his ice cream and the fireworks in the distance. "Well, I already know you have cards on you…and your cardgun…and it's safe to assume that you carry canisters of hairspray and sleeping gas. There's colored dye and your cape…"

"Tantei-kun, stop thinking so hard and ask for something," Kaito sighed. He hated how the guy always put him under a microscope instead of just appreciating his artistry. Kudo had no sense of awe.

"Cardinal," Shinichi announced.

"Bam!"

A dove with its feathers dyed red appeared.

Shinichi was not impressed.

"Let me try again," Kaito hummed…and then produced a picture of Catholic cardinals in Rome.

Shinichi gave the magician a deadpan stare.

"Third time's a charm?" Kaito laughed sheepishly, digging about in his pockets.

A bird landed on Shinichi's shoulder. A red bird.

Kid smirked.

It was a cardinal.

Shinichi gawked at it as his sense of logic tried desperately to catch up. "How…?"

"I'd rather not tell you. Maybe that way you'll stay alive until you figure it out. I know you. You're stubborn like that," Kaito chuckled softly, directing his attention back to the sky.

"…So, will you think about it, Kudo?" Kaito whispered.

Shinichi sighed, incredibly tired, as he took another lick of his ice cream. "I'll give it two months. I can tough it out for two more months, but if I think about it and talk to your therapist and Detective Hakuba and all that and still decide that I don't want to do this anymore…"

The words hung there for a minute before Kaito replied in a subdued tone, "Then we'll figure something else out together. There has to be some way to make life worth living for you again. You're such an awesome person, Kudo—truly talented, impressive. It would be a waste to throw away your knowledge and skill. There has to be something that will give your life purpose."

"You're never going to just let me be, are you?" Shinichi grumbled as realization hit.

Once again a smug look bloomed on the magician's face. "You worry about the future too much, Kudo. You're missing this awesome fireworks display. Stop and smell the roses every once in a while. Appreciate the present."

Shinichi did just that. After all, he supposed there was no point in worrying about Kid meddling with his life when there were tri-colored starbursts exploding in the sky.

It really was pretty.

…

A month passed…and then two. Two became three, and Shinichi still hadn't made a decision about committing to a life as Edogawa Conan. Before he knew it, it was Christmas, and he was marathoning Doctor Who with Kaito and Hakuba while Ran was out with her new, new boyfriend.

And Shinichi still wasn't sure if he wanted to keep going. Some mornings it was a definite "No", but others… When Shinichi got there just in the nick of time to save the hostages… When the Shounen Tanteidan started making valid leaps in logic on their own… When Hakuba made some snide remark and Kaito laughed… Whenever he ate ice cream or saw fireworks…

He couldn't help thinking, _"Maybe one more day wouldn't hurt."_

The

End


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